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I'll Have a Blue Ranger Without You
The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Holiday Pageant.
written by B on January 25, 2026
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God, how long have I been alive?In April of 2000 "Macbeth" and "Swandive" decided that animated gifs of ceiling fragments falling on X-Pac and jokes about how Mark Henry was from the jungle weren't going to fill that void all writers need filled; the desire to really say something with words and make a long lasting statement that will burn itself into the consciousness of those who get to read it before JESUS CHRIST returns and debuts THE INTERNET 2. This evolutionary step will allow media, information, and more within a fraction of a second at the push of a virtual button wherever you are in the home or world, rendering all popular culture websites obsolete to the point that we will receive memories of The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers directly inside the frontal lobe of our brain whenever Michael Ian Black yells at his microwave.
But 2000 was different. Macbeth's pet project "Subvulture" grew into "X-Entertainment," and before you know it he and I were sharing stories of breakfast cereals or Captain N in articles we call "posts," which are normally a collection of moderately interesting paragraphs followed by pictures of what we're talking about with wacky captions. But even the most retarded, worthless people on the Internet could tell you that. What they can't tell you is that these exercises in nostalgia aren't always pointless; they help us bridge the gap between who we are now and who we were then. They help us remember a time when we loved things just because, and they try to tell us why. We were like brothers then, Macbeth and I. Macbeth became "Matt" and I eventually became "B," and we weren't characters anymore. We were people. It changed everything.
Working with Matt made me remember the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers in an intimate way I can't advocate or describe. It's not like the Rangers were on when we were tiny babies. They debuted in 1993. We were teens, then. Just barely, but we were. We were learning that vaginas, in the long run, would be more beneficial than Monty Python quotes. And before long we were spending nights with girls on their Ni, and still, despite it all, we could tell you the difference between a "Putty" and a "Tenga Warrior." There was just something infinitely charming and butt-fuckingly retarded about the entire operation that our minds, these two-fist sized lumps of soggy clay, could not forget. Eventually the cancer grew and I learned to hate Matt, and we wandered away.
I've been alive so long.
Five years later I consider Matt one of the most influential and oddly-important people in my life. We are Hector and Achilles, Hatfield and McCoy, Flair and Steamboat. Deep down we might love each other...half the way up we start hating each other. Our destinies are tied with dumb op board nicknames and memories of these things, and five years later I've really grown to appreciate him as a person, a peer, and a friend.
Well, almost five years. Two days ago I remembered why I hate him so much.
Every year Matt does a Christmas celebration for X-E where he uploads commercials and old specials to reminisce. We talked for a while and he shared the story of some things he missed due to time...some shows that he just didn't have the opportunity to do justice, and how now that the holidays were over he wasn't going to have the chance. Unless, of course, I wanted to take a crack at them.
"Sure," I thought. After five years Matt has finally delivered the death blow. You win, man, you win.
Yes, that says "I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger" under the Angel Grove Juice Bar's finest collection of doe-eyed mistakes in Christmas sweaters, and this is the first image from a holiday-themed episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. The episode doesn't actually have anything to do with dreaming about the White Ranger, but they needed a musical play on words and "Tie a Yellow Ranger Round the Old Oak Tree" would only fly in the deep south. While I try to figure out how Aisha (the Yellow Ranger, the big ass peep at far left) could fit her thirteen feet of corduroy hair extensions into a motorcycle helmet the size of a soccer ball I will also suggest song parodies "Lady in Red Ranger" and "A new religion that will bring you to your knees, Black Ranger if you please."
The plot of any Power Rangers episode is easy to follow: Rita Repulsa (horned-Asian on the moon) wants to conquer Earth, so she starts at a town the size of my thumb in the middle of nowhere where five super powered Dinosaur-robot-controlling heroes live. Rita possesses the ability to create life from putty and make it grow 40 stories tall, so obviously instead of making a 400 foot tall man out of bombs and throwing him into New York City from the moon she makes a pig's head really large, slaps a gladiator helmet on him, and rolls him toward the juice bar.
"I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger" actually SIMPLIFIES the "we aren't fighting, now we're fighting, and now we're done fighting" archetype by eliminating kung fu robot action and replacing it with a children's choir fronted by Dikembe Mutombo.
We catch up with the Rangers as they help a group of children prepare a "Holiday Pageant" for the Angel Grove Juice Bar, assumedly because Ernie gets pissed off and starts spewing smoothie if someone values Christmas over Chanukah. In this very special episode you can tell who the Power Rangers are because they are wearing clothes that match the color of their corresponding Ranger. The little girl on the right is the Green Ranger and the chick in the headband is the Cynthia Rowley 'Swell' Collection Ranger.
The little man in front loves both Jesus and the Jews and once made Alonzo Mourning look like a complete fool on a dunk attempt.
This little sad sack is Becky. She doesn't want to sing because her Dad values work over her happiness and well-being. Aisha and Pink Ranger Kimberly, who is in charge of strumming an acoustic guitar in time with the Vincent Guaraldi Trio cassette tape, reassure her that Papa Becky doesn't understand the gravity of the Holiday Pageant because Baby Becky has neglected to clearly tell him so, which makes total sense because what parent should jump to the conclusion that Christmas is important until their child explicitly states it?
Moments later Kim and Aisha wander over to Ernie in case he's forgotten how hilarious it is that the big fat guy runs a juice bar, and how his parents stopped loving him when they got a divorce.
I had a huge crush on the Pink Ranger when I was thirteen and when Amy Jo Johnson left this show to star on "Felicity" I actually sat through about twenty-five minutes of Felicity to see her. I couldn't get through the entire episode, mind you, which says something really depressing about Felicity. Hi J.J. Abrams, I watched this girl in overalls karate chop a man in a foam shark suit for like two-hundred episodes but I can't quite get to the third commercial break on your collegiate drama. Can you blame me? It would've been a much more realistic and enjoyable show if Felicity had to choose between Noah, Ben, or a rubber pineapple with tentacles growing out of his head.
Also featured in this episode are Bulk and Skull, the Abbott and Costello of my generation, during their run as junior police officers. You can tell it's Bulk and Skull because whenever they enter a room some kid off camera starts playing hijinx music on the tuba. Their assignment: earn their community service training by playing Santa Claus for underprivileged children and make Kimberly uncomfortable by eating the mistletoe.
Ponytail in the surplus clothing there is Tommy Oliver, the White Ranger, played by actor Jason David Frank, who is still about thirteen first names away from any of us taking him seriously. Tommy falls directly into that Sasha Mitchell "well-meaning young Caucasian karate master of the early nineties" clique, only most of Tommy's roundhouse kicks were directed at the woman dressed as a giant scorpion and not so much at the woman dressed as his wife. Tommy spends the entire early part of this episode trying to catch Kimberly under the mistletoe until the shit goes down.
The shit:
Lord Zedd is a man who has either faced a series of dangerous burns or has constructed a human body for himself out of hamburger meat and small kitchen appliances, and his plan is such:
- Ruin Christmas
And also to
No that's pretty much it. Lord Zedd comes up with a devious plan to hijack the North Pole, replace the wooden trains and teddy bears (because all the real toys come from the toy store, and all the education old wordy bullshit comes from the North Pole) with a mind control device in the shape of a top, and somehow control the world.
I keep this plot description brief because Zedd's rage and expressive technique is what could be considered not only the peak moment of Power Rangers Lore, but possibly the funniest moment in the history of children's television. Dismayed by Rito Revolto's casual reaction to the device Lord Zedd goes completely out of lurching super villain character, turns toward the screen, and cuts the most old school professional wrestling heel promo this side of a busted-wide-open Jerry the King Lawler. Check it out for yourself. This video clip maps out Zedd's entire strategy from opening statement to WHATCHA GONNA DO.
TO BE THE MAN YOU'VE GOT TO CONTROL THE MAN'S TOY PRODUCTION SCHEDULE
Free video download - click to play - .wmv format - 2.9MSo now that Santa (who I guess is watching at home?) knows how hard his ass is going down to the Battle Tops Arena, Lord Zedd sends Rito, the warrior skeleton who is half camouflage in case he wants to hold his arm and the left part of his torso in the jungle without fear of being shot, and a gaggle of Tenga Warriors (Putties who are also, uh, birds) to the North Pole.
As we all know, the Arctic Circle is a barren wasteland of frozen ice lakes and towering, jagged protrusions of rock and snow, so finding the precise location of Santa and his elves would be very hard to
Oh. Okay.
"Number One" is informally sad to tell Santa that toy production is lagging behind, and she is not sure if they will be able to finish before Christmas. Saint Nick, being good old, pats her and reassures her, telling her that everything will be fine. He doesn't go into a lot of detail on WHY everything is going to be fine because he's saving that gem for a little bit later.
Shortly thereafter Santa and "Number One" are shocked to find that Rito and the Tengas have infiltrated their militia stronghold (they turned around and the bad guys were just kinda standing there like they'd been waiting for the turn-around). Santa is pissed off because Rito has "been a very naughty boy this year," hinting that Santa even brings you presents when you've decomposed down to only one of the building blocks of the human body. Rito physically asserts himself as the new boss, going as far as to pie-face "Number One" with his index finger, and orders the production of the Beyblade Action-Top Mind Control Playset. It turns out that "Number One's" help is "more like number two" and before long Santa is tied up in tinsel with a big bow covering his mouth and he's got some fairly unconvincing bird folk pecking at his bowl full of jelly.
MEANWHILE
Kimberly: It's Christmas Eve! You're supposed to be happy!
Becky: I'm sorry, Kimberly. I didn't mean to ruin everything for everyone. All I want is for my Dad to come hear me sing. But he already told me he can't come because he has to work.
Kimberly: You know, I bet your Dad only works that hard because he loves you and wants you to be happy.
Becky: But doesn't he know that what makes me happy is spending time with him?
Kimberly: Hey, aren't you supposed to be an underprivileged child?
Becky: Yes.
Kimberly: And you came to the "I was put in a sack and thrown in the river" Holiday Pageant for Misfit Toys?
Becky: Yes.
Kimberly: Why don't you just deal with the reality of the situation and sing the goddamn out of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" so the kid with no feet can feel like he's loved for like four minutes out of the year?
Becky: You're right, Kimberly. I'll tell my Dad exactly how I feel!
Kimberly: *hugs*
Kimberly: OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS LOOK
Becky: What?
Kimberly: What?
Becky: What?
Kimberly: ...
Before long Kimberly is right back under the mistletoe, trying to get some sugar from Jason David Albert Horton Wilbur Sammy Frank, when the lovebirds hear their watches play the Power Rangers theme MIDI. When this happens the Rangers all know it's time to stop paying upwards of 4.95 for a glass of apple juice and start preparing to cut a giant Teflon alligator monster in half. So okay, the Power Rangers want to keep their identities secret from the people of Angel Grove, so they always hang out together wearing their signature colors and have watches that play the Power Rangers theme song? Is there not one kid with functioning eyes or ears in the entire town who can't put two and two together long enough to figure out that the five people who just held their watches and teleported away might be the fucking Power Rangers? They didn't even try to hide, they just walked out of the room into the big hallway full of people and teleported away.
The Big Giant Head alerts his "five teenagers with attitude" of Zedd's plan and offers to transport them to the North Pole to save Santa, despite the fact that none of their powers or Zords will work thanks to the "unique polarity," which I guess means "North." Tommy delivers his best line here:
Zordon: ALPHA CAN TELEPORT YOU THERE, BUT YOU WILL HAVE NO SPECIAL POWERS TO PROTECT YOU.
Tommy: That's a chance we have to take. You know I mean Santa's way too important.
hatAlpha is the crappiest robot ever. When your boss says "BRING ME FIVE TEENAGERS WITH ATTITUDE" you bring him THESE KIDS? I guess it shows a lot of attitude to help with after-school programs and organize charity functions for underprivileged children. Zordon could've said "ALPHA, BRING ME FIVE TEENAGERS WHO ARE DIFFERENT SHADES OF CARLTON BANKS, YOU KNOW, THE WHITE ACTING BLACK KID FROM THE FRESH PRINCE" and he would've gotten more hardcore Rangers than these clown shoes. What "attitude" does the Blue Ranger have? He's thirty and wears cable-knit sweaters. ALPHA, BRING ME A TEENAGER WHO IS REALLY GOOD AT MATH.
Skull: Hey look, Bulk, a little black girl! *pat pat pat*
*pat pat*
*pat*
*pat*
Bulk: STOP THAT
The Rangers transport to the North Pole and use their TEENAGE WITH ATTITUDE to be all right in Southern California fashion despite walking around in the show. Billy, since he's GOOD AT MATH, deduces that if the Rangers' powers don't work due to the polarity then the powers of the bad guys must ALSO not work. What you're looking at in the above picture is Rito realizing that his sword laser doesn't work, so out of frustration he tries to remedy the problem by looking down the barrel of his sword.
What is the Rangers big plan of attack, you might ask? Well, karate, of course. But wait, no, they can't use karate because "Santa and the elves might get hurt." So they decide to THROW SNOWBALLS AT THE SKELETON MONSTER.
I would love to know what kind of crack is going through the heads of these kids. After a few minutes Goldar (a long running supporting character alongside that one sculptor Rita hired who looked like William H. Macy) shows up with HIS sword, but that doesn't work either. All Rito and Goldar can do is stand there and be pelted by snowballs, because God forbid they stop trying to shoot lasers and JUST GO OVER AND STAB THE CHILDREN WITH THEIR BIG SWORDS. You have a SWORD. STAB THEM. DO IT. Your sword is like four feet long, I'm sure it can cut through a J. Crew pullover.
Rito and Goldar make a hasty retreat back into the workshop, but by then the elves have been untied and use a curtain (or something) to trip them as they walk by. Then other elves dump marbles on the ground, which causes the Tenga Warriors in attendance to trip and fall as well, because they aren't fucking BIRDS or anything. So now you've got Santa Claus, some elves, and five teenagers against an army of bird monsters, a skeleton with a huge sword, and a flying monkey from Wizard of Oz in gold armor.
AND THAT'S IT.
WHEN THEY FELL DOWN THAT ONE TIME IT MEANS THEY LOST.
Yes. Unable to get up and just DO WHAT I SAID AND STAB THE SHITBALL OUT OF BILLY, MATH CANNOT HELP YOU NOW, they just sit there tied up in the same tinsel they used to bind Santa. And, well, that was pretty much their entire plan. Tommy uses his swatch watch in the lost galaxy to message Zordon and let him know they've won, and that they've "got a package that needs to be delivered." So Alpha uses the same teleportation device he used to ship the Rangers to the North Pole to pick up the bad guys and send them back to the moon.
Are you following this? He teleports them out and back to the moon.
YOU HAD THE TELEPORTATION DEVICE RIGHT THERE YOU FUCKING JEW ROBOT. SEND THEM TO THE MOON WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL SANTA CLAUS.
God. Couldn't they have just gotten into the big robots in Angel Grove and THEN teleported to the North Pole? If a snowball ruins Rito Revolto's plans a giant mastodon with rockets coming out if its face is going to obliterate his birth right out of the time stream and send his Army of Darkness ass straight into the black dwarf of infinity. Oh well, no need to split hairs. Everything worked out in the end.
WAIT NO
The time the elves wasted making the mind-control toys has put them even farther behind schedule, so now there's absolutely no way they're going to be finished in time for Christmas morning. But just as Santa reassured Number One earlier in the afternoon he reassures her here, finally laying out his reasoning in a very sane, logical way. There is one thing, on their side, Santa explains. Here, take a look.
The One Thing On Our Side
Free video download - click to play - .wmv format - 881KOH GEE THAT CLEARS THINGS UP THANKS MAN
The one thing they have on their side is that "this is the TIME of Miracles?" You can't use your MAGIC, or the MAGIC of the SUPER HERO TEAM who can TELEPORT standing right there beside you? You can't use LOVE?
The best part is after Santa says that bullcorn and "Number One" makes that "Oh, haha" face, like she's halfway motivated and halfway thinking about booting him in the leg. Billy, who is either extremely tired or sexually aroused by the sound of his voice, offers the services of the Rangers.
So again, instead of using magic, the Power Rangers stand by the tables and help throw packages into Santa's bag. That's it. That's all they do. They pass packages to one another and in a few minutes Santa's ready to go. What a crisis. The elves couldn't have done that? Was Rocky (the Red Ranger, who may or may not be Ricky from My So-Called Life) and his limp-wristed throwing style the miracle you needed to make Christmas happen for people like that footless kid who wants to hear about how his Mother's Mother is now dead because of forest wildlife on Christmas Eve?
Seriously though, Rocky throwing the packages here is funny as crap. Aisha, who is by all accounts a normal sized girl, lobs a package at Rocky, but instead of just catching it and tossing it to Santa he tries to keep that little momentum going with quick jerks of his hands, like he's playing volleyball. Rocky was that kid in gym class who tried to catch the football by putting one of his knees up and smacking it when it came to him.
Back on the moon, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, MY PLAN IS RUINED. Zedd's next plan is to find Dusty Rhodes in the parking lot and break his hand. AND HE'S GONNA TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT BOB CAUDLE.
Santa's special delivery for Rita and Zedd: All the toys that were made under duress. Rito exchanges gifts with Goldar (I'm not kidding, look) who tries to open the box with his sword. Oh, well there you go. It's a letter opener. And Goldar receives MANY LARGE ENVELOPES.
Back at the Juice Bar (where everybody has been getting crazy with the cranberry for the last few hours) Bulk is Santa and we get the two great resolutions of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Holiday Pageant:
1. Becky's father arrives just in time from Cloud City to hear her sing, where he pledges to pay more attention to her and immediately afterward tells her to go get him some
Colt 45hot chocolate.2. Becky sits on Santa Bulk's lap and thanks him for making her Christmas wish come true: Her Daddy is here. Bulk gets all teary-eyed over the message of Christmas and then a few seasons later is turned into a talking monkey.
Kimberly gets her Christmas wish, too: A kiss under the mistletoe from her boyfriend Jason David Rollie Terrence Phillip Timothy Behrooz Frank and a visit from her parents, who emerge through a door set up to look like a giant Star of David, which I think is some kind of bizarre symbolism. The best part about Kim's parents are their haircuts...look at them, they look like the cast of Dog Boy from Liquid Television, with big plastic rockabilly pompadours.
Tommy gets resolution when he tenderly kisses both Kimberly's mother and father beneath the mistletoe.
Oh, that's some good Holiday Pageant.
Dikembe Mutombo
Career Statistics
Rebounds Year Team G FGM-A 3PM-A FTM-A Off Def Tot Ast Stl Blk TO Pts 1991-92 DEN 71 428-869 0-0 321-500 316 554 870 156 43 210 252 1177 1992-93 DEN 82 398-781 0-0 335-492 344 726 1070 147 43 287 216 1131 1993-94 DEN 82 365-642 0-1 256-439 286 685 971 127 59 336 206 986 1994-95 DEN 82 349-628 0-0 248-379 319 710 1029 113 40 321 192 946 1995-96 DEN 74 284-569 0-1 246-354 249 622 871 108 38 332 150 814 1996-97 ATL 80 380-721 0-0 306-434 268 661 929 110 49 264 186 1066 1997-98 ATL 82 399-743 0-0 303-452 276 656 932 82 34 277 168 1101 1998-99 ATL 50 173-338 0-0 195-285 192 418 610 57 16 147 94 541 1999-00 ATL 82 322-573 0-0 298-421 304 853 1157 105 27 269 174 942 2000-01 PHI 26 100-202 0-0 104-137 119 203 322 22 9 66 52 304 2000-01 ATL 49 169-354 0-0 107-154 188 505 693 54 20 137 92 445 2001-02 PHI 80 321-641 0-0 278-364 254 609 863 83 29 190 156 920 2002-03 NJ 24 49-131 0-0 40-55 54 99 153 19 4 37 34 138 2003-04 NY 65 141-295 0-0 81-119 145 292 437 25 17 123 54 363 2004-05 HOU 40 60-117 0-0 44-53 63 114 177 2 4 42 23 164 Totals 969 3938-7604 0-2 3162-4638 3377 7707 11084 1210 432 3038 2049 11038
I've been alive for so, so long.
