100 Greatest Christmas Shows (Part 1: 100-66)

Part 1 (100-66) | Part 2 (65-31) | Part 3 (30-1)

If I were a candle on the advent wreath, I'd be the second purple one. When you light the first one, you still have people complaining that it's too early for holiday cheer, and when you light the pink one after it, you suddenly realize oh crap I need to get my shopping done. Week Two? It's fairly relaxing, and you can briefly soak in the actual peace that Christmas is supposed to be about without so much distraction. And what better way than by turning on your television and letting it shove commercialism down your throat?

Without question, my favorite part about Christmas is the way it takes over all of mass communication. So much, in fact, that I have decided to put together this list of some of the most memorable ... and some of most underrated holiday specials and Christmas-related movies of all time. "Yeah, but a hundred?" you ask, bewildered. Yes, a hundred. It's a big frigging number, and as a result, there are quite a few items on this list that aren't exactly what you would call "very Christmassy," and a few others that aren't exactly what you would call "very good." But t'is the season for outlandish celebration, so I went the extra mile to come up with 100 specials that I think are worth watching at least twice.

With the exception of about four, I have seen every entry on this list, and will defend both its position and its right to be included as one of the best, not so much for outstanding achievement in film or television, but for satisfactory achievement in holiday spirit and/or in the department of old=lol. Also, I'll do you the favor of using my time machine to tell your future self, who's in the middle of typing me an email along the lines of "You forgot this one! What about this one? That one should be ranked higher!" that I don't care. Nope. Do not care. MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU SON OF A BITCH

#100
Sonic Christmas Blast (1996)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Sonic the Hedgehog's egg-shaped nemesis, Dr. Robotnik, has taken over for the retired Santa Claus, and reversed the job description by stealing all the toys in the world for himself. It doesn't take Sonic and Tails long to discover that "retired" was more like "currently being held prisoner in some ice cave." That's probably the only big downside about this special. It doesn't take Sonic long to do anything, that's basically the plot of every cartoon of the entire series. The main reason this one even made the list as opposed to some others that got bumped is because those others didn't have the voice-action power of Urkel as the main character.

Memorable moment: Upon rescuing Santa, Sonic learns that the only way to save Christmas in time is by achieving "maximum velocity." To do that, he has to run up a mountain really fast, and then do a bunch of XTR33M sports on the way down again (watch the clip). After that, he can finally move fast enough to circle the globe Superman 1 style and return everyone's presents. There's also highlight for hardcore hedgehog fans in the form of a cameo by Princess Sally, Sonic's girlfriend from his Saturday morning cartoon series. She doesn't even get a word in, but for furries who just can't get enough of that naked squirrel body, it was enough. Daydream all you want, but I swear to Baby Jesus there's an internet cause to ensure that Sally's love remains with our spiny blue hero. Man, I didn't know they were having such bad relationship problems. Sonic the Hedgehog's love life is in peril. Show your Support for the True Girl for Sonic today!

#100
Mork's First Christmas (1978)
Available on: VHS

When Mindy explains to our Orkan protagonist why everyone's suddenly in a gift-giving frenzy, Mork sets out to buy presents for all his friends. Unfortunately, his complete lack of earth dollars puts a damper on his plans, until someone suggests that he make something for his friends instead. Mork toils away with his less than perfect creations, only to be met with suppressed giggling, until Mindy assures him that the fact that he put his heart into them makes his gifts special. You know, like when you're in preschool, and you draw a picture of your family, and Daddy's the same size as the house with about nine stick fingers on each hand.

Memorable moment: Mindy trying to explain to Mork what the gathering of tiny people around the miniature stable on their neighbor's lawn is. Also, instead of calling Orson at the end of the show, the only episode in which this is left out, Mork is seen examining the Christmas tree with the innocence of a four-year-old.

#100
Saved by the Bell: Home for Christmas (1991)
Available on: DVD (Seasons 3 & 4 box set)

The usually scheming Zack Morris shows his generous side throughout this two-part special, in which the gang from Bayside all get jobs at the mall during Christmas break. Zack falls for Laura, a girl who works with Kelly at the men's department store. While trying to find a gift for her, he and Screech end up giving it to a homeless man they befriend. Later, when the man becomes hospitalized, the gang finds Laura already there visiting ... the homeless man is her father. For a girl living out of her car, she sure looks well-groomed and made up. But then, this is the southern California coast in the early '90s. And it's also a cheesy high school sitcom. In Part 2, Laura puts aside a suit at work for her dad, which she is accused of stealing and gets fired. So Zack buys the suit and invites Laura and her dad over for Christmas dinner, and gives her dad the suit to help him with job interviews.

Memorable moment: Kelly talks her boss into sponsoring a production of "A Christmas Carol." During the play, extra lines are added to advertise for the men's store. Also, this short dialogue:

Zack's mom: "So, have you decided what you want for Christmas yet?"
Zack: (upon spotting Laura) "Oh yeah."
Zack's mom: "I don't think I have a big enough box for her."

#100
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Some of you would be surprised at the number of horror flicks that use Christmas as a backdrop. Some of you have seen every one of them, and thus know why Silent Night, Deadly Night belongs on this list. It may not be the best of its kind, but that's exactly what makes it so memorable. It also doesn't hurt that they made 4 frigging sequels, the last of which was in 1992 and starred Mickey Rooney. Our story begins with a boy named Billy, whose bedridden grandfather warns him to stay away from Santa Claus, because he punishes naughty children. Sure enough, Billy's parents are soon murdered and his mother raped by a man in a Santa suit. Billy is then sent to an Catholic orphanage, where he spies on two older orphans having sex, followed by the Mother Superior punishing them. Billy is told that this is naughty, and that everything naughty must be punished. Years later, he finds himself fantasizing about a co-worker at his toy store, only to have his daydream interrupted by scenes of violence. He is then made to cover for the toy store's Santa Claus, thus becoming one with his worst fear. All it takes is to witness another co-worker molesting his crush, and YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!!11 Do you see what I did there?

Memorable moment: During a random sex scene, the girl suddenly stops in the heat of passion, because she realizes she left the cat out. So she steps outside, topless, to call it in. Then evil Santa Billy chops her head off. One could argue that this is the dumbest execution of the "Don't have sex in a horror flick" rule ever, but I don't think that's why Santa killed her. I think it was because she was being an idiot.

#96
The Care Bears Nutcracker Suite (1988)
Available on: DVD | VHS

As the Care Bears try to cheer up a girl whose friend just moved away, a Nutcracker appears via the mouse hole in her room, and enlists their help to save the Sugarplum Fairy from the Rat King and his evil Royal Vizier. The Prince of Toyland is missing in action during all of this, and when the Nutcracker starts reminding us that he has amnesia and can't remember where he came from every five minutes or so, that pretty much eliminates any element of surprise we might have had at the end OMG PLOT TWIST! Any resemblance between that and the actual Nutcracker Ballet stops there, but I wouldn't necessarily say that's a bad thing. When you're an 8 year old boy, watching ballet isn't very entertaining. Not even ballet with swords. So the only version of the Nutcracker I ever really got into was the one where the giant angry rats and the evil wizard guy fight a bunch of teddy bears and a wooden doll. Say what you want about the Care Bears, but they had some pretty awesome bad guys.

Memorable moment: The same memorable moment in every Care Bears cartoon ever made ... the part where they launch force beams of love and kindness out of their bellies to defeat the bad guys. I can't even tell you how many times I've put "magic belly tattoo" on my Christmas list, only to be let down.

#95
The Stingiest Man In Town (1978)
Available on: VHS

After they started running out of holiday songs to make animated specials out of, Rankin/Bass Productions, the undisputed heavyweight champions of the Christmas special circuit, put together this cartoon adaptation of a musical adaptation of A Christmas Carol. Ol' Scrooge bears a striking resemblance to his voice actor counterpart, Walter Matthau, who can't sing very well, but can certainly "Bah Humbug" with the best of them. That bug on his shoulder is our narrator, played by Happy Days patriarch Tom! Tom Bosley! Unfortunately, this special loses points for the bug's name: B.A.H. Humbug. On the "See What I Did There?" ladder, that's a rung lower than Dr. Light naming his pet robots Rock and Roll. Keen-eyed cartoon enthusiasts will recognize the animation style, which quickly followed in the footsteps of Rankin/Bass's earlier hit, The Hobbit. Sure, everybody looks like they're coming down with a cold, but the rosy cheeks and noses work nicely in this tale of Christmas conversion. Also, despite being poor and living in the late 19th Century, Tiny Tim appears to be getting around on prosthetic titanium legs. The same stuff they used on the Space Shuttle.

Memorable moment: When the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come shows Scrooge his headstone, which then morphs into a giant laughing devil head that belts out an evil, echoing HAW-HAW! This is one of the scariest moments in Christmas show history ... and that includes the next item on our list.

#94
We Wish You A Turtle Christmas (1994)
Available on: VHS

There are few things that surpass my passion for all things Ninja Turtles ... so why is this straight-to-video holiday special so far back on the list? Mostly because I've actually seen it. It's nothing short of a terrible bootleg, and whoever made it almost seems to WANT to remind you of that. But for a Turtle fan, its greatness lies in its cheesiness, and this special comes with an extra topping's worth. It stars four guys in costumes you'll have little trouble spotting the zippers on, running around Manhattan and taking in the Christmas spirit on their search for a gift for Master Splinter. Never mind the fact that they're not making any attempt to hide their identity while on the surface ... unless I just happen to be a genius who can see through their clever matching scarf disguises.

Memorable moment: Michaelangelo becomes so moved with the experience of tree-trimming, that he stops what he's doing and belts out an opera song. In an actual, Pavoratti-like opera voice.

#93
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
Available on: DVD | VHS

It takes a special kind of movie to get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment , and there's none as deserving as this gem. Again, it's not bad in the I want to poke my eyes out way as much as it's bad in the Mork trying to make gifts for his friends way. The children of Mars are unhappy, and so the Martian governing council decides to steal Earth's most famous bringer of joy. They kidnap two American children to guide them to Santa's base of operations, and after a short battle with some elves, Santa is taken as well. The Martian children and many of the adults warm up to his jolly nature, and he is put to work operating a push-button toymaking machine, the kind of technology only a Martian could create. Throughout the whole thing, Santa seems pretty ok with the fact that he's been kidnapped by aliens and forced to work for them. In fact, he thinks everything is hilarious, and even takes being held at disintegration raypoint in something of a stride.

Memorable moment: The aforementioned threat of being disintegrated ... by Voldar, an evil Martian who wants nothing more than to see Santa killed. His plans are laughably foiled when the Earth kids and Martian kids gang up on him by whacking him with tennis rackets, throwing toy soldiers at him, covering him with silly string, and making wind-up tanks run over his feet. Even Santa cracks up laughing. "Ho-ho-ho-ha-hahahahaha!"

#92
Pinocchio's Christmas (1980)
Available on: VHS

In the '60s, Rankin/Bass made a stop motion toon called the New Adventures of Pinocchio. Nobody watched it, but by the end of the '70s, when they were running low on ideas to make Christmas movies about, Pinocchio started looking pretty good. This one finds our little wooden hero searching for a job, so that he can buy Gepetto a Christmas present. The sly Fox and Cat trick him into joining a traveling marionette show, the term everyone in this special insists on using instead of the shorter and easier "puppet." There he meets and ~~gets a woody get it lol over~~ grows a liking to an inanimate female ~~puppet~~ marionette named Julietta. So much, in fact, that Pinocchio saves her from being carved into a different character, and brings her to the Forest of Enchantment, hoping that the Blue Fairy can bring her to life. She agrees to do so once Pinocchio discovers the true meaning of Christmas. It isn't long before he's tricked again, this time being sold to the Duke of what I'm assuming is Italy, whom Pinocchio eventually convinces that he should spent some more time with his children instead of giving them a stupid ~~puppet~~ marionette to play with in his work-heavy absence. Spending time with family constitutes enough of what Christmas is all about to bring Julietta to life, and she joins Pinocchio on the journey home. The story's all over the place, sure, but I loved it when I was younger, and it has since become a bit of a guilty pleasure.

Memorable moment: On his way to what he thinks is the North Pole and turns out to be the Duke's palace, Pinocchio has a dream sequence in which he teaches Santa's toys how to dance. He sings a song that goes "Let's go dancing!" and is eerily similar, in a Rankin/Bass Christmassy way at least, to "Dancin' Machine" by the Jackson 5.

#91
WWE: Christmas in Baghdad (2003)
Search eBay for VHS copies

Commentary by B:
World Wrestling Entertainment is internationally known and accredited for their subtle and positive influence on humanity's infrastructure. Characters like "The Iron Sheik" cast a tender shadow over religious and racial relations between America and the Middle East in only a way Martin Luther King could've dreamed of, had he spent less time preaching the fundamentals of civil rights and spent more time swinging around big hammers and camel-clutching white people. But in December of 2003 the WWE actually decided to do something nice; they flew a group of superstars over to the war zone (which usually only takes place in the hour following Raw is War) and entertained the troops. It was a simple gesture, and it was nice. Everyone seemed to have fun and a lot of people who don't get to let it all hang out and act retarded got to hold up signs reading "TORRIE WHO'S YOUR BAGHDADDY." Then, ironically enough, Vince McMahon flew everybody home and made Rob Van Dam dress up like a building who gets indignant and pissed off whenever anybody knocks him down.

Memorable moment: Vince McMahon decides he wants to berate Santa Claus, because Vince gets whims like that. In 2002 they did a show in an alleyway and Vince found it the perfect time to trick the Little Matchstick Girl into an Evolution beatdown. So yeah, Vince wants to push around Santa, but it turns out Santa is actually STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (which explains why I always got empty beer cans and battered women under my tree as a child), and Vince gets his head stunnered all over Fallujah or Admiral Ackbar or wherever. In another groundbreaking segment, men treated women like sexual objects.

#90
Hardrock, Coco and Joe (1952)
Search eBay for DVD and VHS copies

This is the story of Hardrock, Coco and Joe, three "dwarfs" who accompany Santa on his annual trip. Hardrock steers the sleigh, Coco navigates, and Joe sorts the presents. And you thought Santa flew solo. The real fun begins when the big guy slides down the chimney, and the three little dwarfs screw around on the rooftop. I've only seen this once or twice when I was younger, but it apparently gets an annual showing in the Chicago area. For the rest of us, it's an all but forgotten classic.

Memorable moment: While Santa is down a chimney at their first stop, Hardrock takes the opportunity to nail Joe in the face with a snowball that KNOCKS HIS EYE OUT OF ITS SOCKET.

#89
The Wish That Changed Christmas (1992)
Available on: VHS

Presented by McDonald's Family Theater, which basically meant that it was preceded by a scene of Ronald McDonald in a scarf hanging out with some Fry Guys, this special had several stories to tell. Holly is a doll who wants nothing more than to be loved. Ivy is an orphan who who wants nothing more than to be reunited with her long lost grandmother, especially when an electrical mishap makes the Christmas lights on the tree in a passing town change from reading "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MILL VALLEY" to "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO I V Y." Officer Jones and his wife want nothing more than to have children to celebrate Christmas with. Peter is a toy store clerk who wants nothing more than to find the key that he lost. Officer Jones helps Peter look for the key, which Ivy finds and happily returns. So Officer Jones takes Ivy home for Christmas Eve night, until he can get her back to her orphanage. Peter gives Holly to Ivy in gratitude for saving his neck. Mrs. Jones is so delighted to have a child to celebrate Christmas with, that she can't possibly refuse when Ivy asks her to be her Grandma. I don't know whose wish it was that changed Christmas, but holy crap, everything sure did turn out wonderfully.

Memorable moment: Next to Holly in the toy store is a cynical Owl who wants nothing more than to see Holly's dreams crushed. So when Peter decides to give Holly to Ivy, Owl snaps and breaks the "don't come to life while humans are around" rule by going right for Peter's face. After a bit of a struggle, Peter finally flings Owl off his leg and into a barrel. Then
Peter takes a breath, and goes off to deliver the doll. Considering a stuffed toy just tried to bite him in the face, he took it rather well.

#88
Holiday Inn (1942)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire play Jimmy and Ted, a singer and dancer who own a New England lodge with an interesting theme ... the lodge is only open during national holidays. Despite what you might think, business actually proves to be doing well, as the Holiday Inn gets decked out accordingly for each festivity, and the boys prepare a variety show to match. The pair soon find themselves fighting over the lovely Linda, and take the competition to the stage. This was a landmark film in several ways. It's the namesake for the actual Holiday Inn chain of hotels. It just happened to be on when the architect was drawing his sketch. It's also the origin of the now classic carol "I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas," which was written for Bing's role in this movie. The singing and dancing get a little boring after a while, but it's certainly one of the most memorable movies about hotel owners. At least out of the ones that weren't filmed in night vision.

Memorable moment: Fred Astaire does a dance routine while drunk. He prepared for the scene accordingly by taking drinks of bourbon before each take. He had 8 in him during the final take that was used in the film.

#87
Prancer (1989)
Available on: DVD | VHS

This one is about 8-year-old Jessica, who rescues an injured deer, whose fur markings match those of Santa's own Prancer in one of her storybooks. She soon starts skipping school and doing odd jobs in order to nurse the deer back to health and return it to its owner. Fearing that her father, with whom she's grown apart since the death of her mother, will disapprove, she hides Prancer in her father's barn, which is a great place to hide something FROM YOUR FATHER. He finds it and sells it to an advertising display. Her strong belief that the deer is, indeed, Prancer, eventually moves her father into helping her free the deer, which eventually rejoins Santa's team in a display of terrible special effects. Not phenomenal by any means, Prancer is still one of the more touching Christmas movies in the last 15 years that ended up getting sentenced to regular showings on ABC Family.

Memorable moment: Jessica writes a letter to Santa about his missing reindeer, and directs one of his bewildered shopping mall substitutes to deliver it to him by yelling PRANCER'S IN THE SHED NEAR MY HOUSE in his face. Also, the part where Rebecca Harrell grew up to be a hottie. Don't you just love happy endings?

#86
Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (1977)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Rankin/Bass can't get full credit for the plot behind this one. It's based on another song by Gene Autry, who decided that his story about Rudolph didn't have enough Jesus power, so he changed some names and species, and came up with Nestor, a donkey with incredibly long ears that he'd always trip over. This makes him useless for work, and he and his mother are left out in the cold. His mother doesn't survive, but Nestor is protected by a guardian angel named Tilly, who guides him on a mission to meet up with a certain Nazerian couple. Yes, Nestor is the donkey who guides Joseph and Mary to Bethlehem. And he finally remembered to tuck his ears up, so he doesn't trip and kill anybody.

Memorable moment: The part where Nestor's in the clown make-up and has to jump from the fiery building, but then he spreads his ears out and flies over the other donkeys, shooting peanuts at them. Wait, no...

#85
The Santa Clause (1994)
Available on: DVD | VHS

In this movie, Tim Allen kills Santa Claus and has to take his place. Wait, let me explain that better. In this movie, Scott Calvin and his son, Charlie, hear such a clatter on his roof, and when they goes out to investigate, they catch Santa Claus off guard, causing him to fall off the roof. The reindeer whisk them off to the North Pole, where they learn that Scott must now take over for the jolly one. Reluctant, Scott returns home, only to find himself growing the appropriate beard and extra pounds beyond his control. This movie came out at the height of Allen's popularity as the star of "Home Improvement," and the role of the reluctant Santa Claus was Tim Taylored just for him.

Memorable moment: Scott gets arrested for breaking and entering, and the following interrogation takes place. Towards the end, some trademark Tim Allen half-grunt sneaks its way in.

"Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple ... when I say 'Name,' you say, 'Scott Calvin' ... Name?"
"Chris Kringle."
"... Name?"
"Sinter Klauss."
"... Name?!"
"Pere Noel. Buono Natale. Pelz-Nicole. Topo Giggio!"

#84
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Here's another movie that uses the torch-passing Santa Claus theory as opposed to the immortal saint theory. The current Santa is getting up there in years, and is searching for a suitable replacement. When cab driver Ernest P. Worrel finds out Santa's identity, he promises to help him in his quest to find former children's TV host Joe Curruthers, the man whom Santa feels is most worthy of the job. But between Joe's reluctance and Santa's energy draining after a girl steals his magic bag, it's up to Ernest to help Santa get around. They meet up with the girl and convince her that Santa is the real deal ... now it's just up to the trio to convince Joe before it's time for the annual Christmas Eve run.

Memorable moment: Hey, Vern! Ernest delivers a Christmas tree to his behind-the-camera buddy Vern's house, and proceeds to wreck the place as he bumbles around with the giant tree in tow.

#83
Babes in Toyland (1961)
Available on: DVD | VHS

The original "Babes in Toyland" starred Laurel and Hardy, and there was also an awful mid-90s remake starring Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves, but as far as I'm concerned, this is the definitive version of the movie. Since Disney seemed to have only used one female lead from 1955 to 1962, it's Annette Funicello in the starring role of Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, whose little siblings wander into the Forest of No Return, home of the evil Barnaby. Mary and her fiance, Tom, Tom the Piper's Son, go after them, and everyone ends up in Toyland, where all is not well. It seems that Barnaby has found his way there, himself, and is intent on keeping the Toymaker, played by the guy from Mary Poppins who's trapped on the ceiling, from meeting his quota for Santa Claus. Kidnapping Mary would make for a nice bonus as well, but naturally, Tom won't have it, and he enlists the help of an army of wooden soldiers to chase Barnaby out of Toyland for good.

Memorable moment: After Barnaby's henchmen try to make a quick buck by selling Tom to a band of gypsies, Tom sneaks back into play, dressed in convincing old lady drag.

#82
The Ref (1994)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Denis Leary is a really bad cat burglar, and with the cops on his tail, he takes a couple hostage on Christmas Eve. A cynical, bickering couple made up of Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey, who have perfected the art of the domestic argument. In between their barking at each other and Leary trying to get them to shut up, smartass Junior comes home from military school, and the family drop in for Christmas dinner. With a family full of arguing hostages, Leary finds himself playing marriage counselor. There are few things more touching than having the guy who tied you to a chair with a bungee cord tell you to put your differences aside for Christmas and forgive each other.

Memorable moment: Leary, exhausted from the family's bickering, mutters "Jesus" under his breath as he takes a bite out of a cookie shaped like a baby in a manger. But not as good as this monologue towards the end: "Do you know what your present is? I'm gonna buy a cannon, load some gun powder in it, shoot you to Jersey ... I'm gonna steal a car, drive to Jersey, pick up your ashes in a big plastic bag, sip tea, watch the Charlie Brown Special, and watch your ashes burn in my fireplace!"

#84
Black Christmas (1974)
Available on: DVD | VHS

A pre-Lois Lane Margot Kidder and a post-Juliet Capulet Olivia Hussey lead a group of sorority girls trapped in their house during Christmas break by a faceless stalker, whose trademark is calling them on the phone and moaning. Most of the violence is shown off-screen, and an overused approaching camera shot doesn't help the suspense very much, but considering this is the same director that would later give us Porky's, it's understandable. This oft-neglected stalker flick didn't perfect the art of the genre, but it's here because it predates several more popular imitators, most notably Halloween and Friday The 13th, all of which owe a little something to this one.

Memorable moment: The part where in Olivia Hussey's very next movie after playing a sorority girl planning on getting an abortion while trying to avoid getting killed by a madman whom the cops think is her creepy boyfriend, she played the Virgin Mary.

#80
G.I. Joe: Cobra CLAWs Are Coming To Town (1985)
Available on: DVD (Season 1, Part 2 box set)

Hasbro had a new line of G.I. Joe and Cobra action figures out for the upcoming holiday season, and what better way to promote them by having an episode in which the Cobras shrink down to action figure size in order to infiltrate the Joes' Happy Holiday Wagon? While our Real American Heroes are on the way to deliver toys to needy children, the mini-Cobras use the Joes' stuff to attack a nearby city and trick them into thinking that they're being held hostage by G.I. Joe. Unfortunately for Cobra, their shrink way works in reverse as well, resulting in Shipwreck's parrot to grow big enough to pick up an airplane and basically save Christmas.

Memorable moment: While trapped in a cooler and hanging on meat hooks, Shipwreck casually mentions that he could have a meaningful relationship with the piece of beef next to him. Cover Girl says his brain is frostbitten, to which he replies "Oh, come on. You've got no imagination!" I can't make this up, guys. The Fensler Film redub of this scene has the exact same dialogue, only it ends with a clip of Roadblock offering to give the Christmas turkey he just cooked a body massage.

#79
Homestar Runner: The Decemberween Toons
A Holiday Greeting (2000), The Best Decemberween Ever (2001), The Decemberween Pageant (2002), Decemberween In July (2004), Snowglobe (2004), Homestar Presents: Presents (2004)

In a short five years, HomestarRunner.com has become one of the greatest and funniest uses of Flash on the internet, and its fans know to look forward to major holidays. In Homestar's native "Free Country USA," the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year™ is known as Decemberween, whose origins somehow involve a fisherman, the popular vote, and Kobe Bryant. It's this out-of-left-field approach that makes the adventures of Homestar and Strong Bad so memorable, that I had to make room for it on the list.

Memorable moment: The very beginning of the site's very first holiday toon, featuring a parody of the famous CBS rotating "SPECIAL" intro, which is arguably my favorite thing to ever air on television. Also, the part where Strong Bad says "Holy crap." Oh, Strong Bad, you so crazy.

#78
The Lemon Drop Kid (1951)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Bob Hope plays the title role, a likeable con artist with a sweet tooth for lemon candy. When he double crosses the wrong guy, he promises to pay him back by Christmas, resulting in a scramble to get the money in time. He sets up a fake Salvation Army station, with him dressed as Santa with a bell. When that doesn't add up, he convinces some goons to get in on the sidewalk Santa act by creating a fake charity to "collect dough for old dolls." When the mob boss he double crossed finds out about the Kid's plan, he tries to take over the operation himself, and the Kid lets him take over in time to rat him out. Then, seeing the error of his ways, he donates the earnings to a retirement home. This one often gets overlooked in the Christmas movie genre, but in the movies starring Bob Hope genre, it's one of his better and more light-hearted films.

Memorable moment: While walking down the street on an exceptionally cold, windy night, the Lemon Drop Kid steals a woolen sweater off the back of a nearby dog.

#84
Christmas on Division Street (1991)
Search eBay for VHS copies.

Fred Savage already won our hearts as a Vietnam-era everykid, a big-wheel riding kid who fills his squirtgun with pee, and a video game wizard's older brother who gets to kiss the chick from Rilo Kiley. Now, in this TV movie, he shows us the spirit of Christmas. Trevor, who has just moved to Philly and isn't happy about having to start his life over, meets a homeless old man named Cleveland while researching for a history project. Reluctant to make friends with the ratty looking stranger, it turns out that Cleveland has a knack for the subject, and offers to help him with his project ... which is on the founding fathers. A real tough project for a bunch of high school kids IN PHILADELPHIA. Trevor learns to appreciate the fact that people on the streets have it tough, especially when a storm shuts down the power on Christmas Eve. Despite Trevor's attempts to keep Cleveland warm, the old man doesn't make it through the storm, but the imprint he made on Trevor's heart is a Christmas gift he will never forget.

Memorable moment: The part where Cleveland dies, and then Fred Savage interrupts the story and says to his grandfather that he doesn't really mean "dead," right? Poor kid. At least he was grateful that this wasn't a kissing story.

#76
Fat Albert's Christmas Special (1977)
Available on: DVD | VHS

In another part of Philly, the Cosby Kids are rehearsing for a Christmas pageant at their junkyard clubhouse, which Tyrone, the mean old junkyard owner, is fixin' to tear down. That's when Marshall and his parents show up. With their car broken down, Marshall's mom about to have a baby, and his dad without health insurance, the gang invite them in the clubhouse for shelter. Tyrone agrees to let them stay until the baby is born, in exchange for Fat Albert working for him as a sidewalk Santa. "Ho-ho-ho's" in a Fat Albert fashion ensue. After the old hobo, Mudfoot, gives Tyrone a talking to about how he's been grumpy at the world ever since his wife died, the junkyard owner has a change of heart, and promises to keep the gang's clubhouse up.

Memorable moment: All the classic Cosby Kid metaphors are here.

Bill: "Russell, you're like school during summer vacation."
Russell: "School during summer vacation?"
Bill: "Yeah, no class."

Rudy: "Your face reminds me of a cat eating lemons."
Tyrone: "A cat eating lemons?"
Rudy: "Yeah, a sourpuss."

#75
Santa Claus: the Movie (1985)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Made by much of the same team that made Superman: the Movie seven years prior, the lack of Richard Donner at the director's helm hurt this one big time. Long before he was the Big Lebowski, David Huddleston played Claus, a northern European woodcarver with no children of his own, so he makes toys for all the children in a nearby village. When he and the Mrs. get trapped in a snowdrift on their way home from delivering gifts to the children in a neighboring village, they are rescued by elves, who have been waiting for someone just like him to help them bring happiness to all the children of the world. He learns the secrets of making reindeer fly, dilating time with some kind of wormhole, and other secrets to the job description. That's the first half of the movie, and it's a really good one up to this point. Then we steer into a plot about head elf Patch (Dudley Moore), who quits after ruining a year's worth of Christmas toys. He meets up with B.Z. (John Lithgow), a scheming toy company CEO in the big city, who tricks him into revealing Santa's secrets, so that he, can be the world's foremost supplier of toys. Santa ventures into the city to save Patch ... and his job, with the help of a homeless boy and a rich girl on the verge of disbelief. It's a real shame the movie tanked at the box office, because it's really worth seeing at least the first half of it.

Memorable moment: As thanks for helping save his job, Santa carves the homeless boy a toy. Gee, thanks Santa. Also the part where Santa asks the Dude why every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, that he has to compensate the owner, is a personal favorite.

#74
The Little Troll Prince (1985)
Available on: VHS

This is the story of Bu (pre-Budnik Danny Cooksey), who despite being the son of the Troll King and Queen (Vincent Price and Cloris Leachman), isn't very troll-like at all. All the other trolls in the kingdom have two heads, large noses, and no manners. So Bu is exiled from the Troll Kingdom for being different, and is left to find shelter in the humans' world. It isn't until he leaves the Troll Kingdom that we discover that trolls are tiny in size compared to us, a fun little Fraggle Rock effect that this toon really should've used to its advantage a little better. At any rate, Bu is taken in by a family of humans at Christmas, who teach him that God loves him, no matter what he looks like.

Memorable moment: When Bu encounters two little human girls, the elder of the two exclaims, "If he's a troll, we should run as fast as we can!" Yeah, they find Bu in a bowl of fruit, hiding behind an apple. In theory, they could step on him, but God forbid he be a troll. They'd be better off RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES.

#73
12 Tiny Christmas Tales (2001)
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This is a twisted animated set of a dozen short but wacky Yuletide stories, including a horror rehash of the 12 Days of Christmas, a tale of a lovesick snowman, Grandma getting run over by a reindeer, an ugly tie who wants to be someone's Christmas present, and Blitzen going on a trip to Vegas. Director Bill Plympton combines minimalist animation with bizarre, Jhonen Vasquez-esque humor that has quickly become a holiday staple on Cartoon Network in the past three years. If you get a chance to catch it, it's definitely worth watching.

Memorable moment: My favorite bit is one about a snowflake that terrorizes a small village. It makes no sense, but it's wonderfully hilarious.

#72
'Twas The Night Before Christmas (1978)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Rankin/Bass is at it again, this time adding an interesting back story to the classic Moore poem. Albert is a mouse who happens to be stirring inside the Junctionville clock tower, frantically trying to fix the clock that he broke in time for the stroke of midnight on Christmas. That's when it's supposed to play a song of apology, begging Santa not to pass their town by. What's with the apology? That would be Albert's fault, too. After writing a letter to the newspaper about how Santa is a myth and blah blah blah, and the jolly one got so pissed off, that he put Albert's entire town, human and rodent alike, on the naughty list. So local clocksmith Joshua Trundle has the idea of converting the clock tower into a giant music box alarm clock thing. How does he going pull off making a giant magical clock in time for Christmas? Simple. By believing in miracles, of course. They sing a song about it and everything.

Memorable moment: There's the part where the mayor of Junctionville holds a town council meeting to figure out how to get back on Santa's good list, or at least in worst case scenario, what to do with the 50 million pounds of coal they get. Enter Citizen Trundle. "Citizen?!" the mayor barks. "They're not allowed in here! This is public property!" Way to stick it to the man, Rankin/Bass. The most memorable dialogue in the special, however, is Albert explaining to his father what happened when he tried to take a look inside the clock to see how it worked...

Father Mouse: "Kerplunk?!"
Albert: "Kerplooey!"

Two nonsense words. And only one shares a name with a platinum record. For shame.

#71
Trapped In Paradise (1994)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Fresh from prison, con artists Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey (who inexplicably sounds like he got kicked in the nuts) trick their brother, Nicolas Cage, into delivering a Christmas note to a woman named Sarah in Paradise, Pennsylvania, from her father in prison. The real plan is to rob a hardly secure bank in the small town, but when they don't make it out of town before a snowstorm hits, Cage persuades his brothers to drop the money off at a nearby church. They try to escape through the woods, but Carvey nearly drowns, and is saved by ... the bank owner's son. The family's kindness to the strangers is unparalleled, and they don't have it in their heart to reveal themselves as the robbers. Meanwhile, Sarah's father shows up, holding the brothers' mom hostage, as the bank heist was his idea. When it's discovered that the money was dropped off at the church, the town defends the three when they're taken in by the cops. Not particularly hilarious, but thanks to about a thousand or so showings on HBO, it's quickly grown on me.

Memorable moment: When the boys' mom gets kidnapped, she does everything but keep quiet, mouthing off lines such as "I wish I was a witch. I'd shove my broomstick right up your ass."

#70
The Little Drummer Boy (1968)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Rankin/Bass adds a touching back story to the song about the boy who plays the drum for Baby Jesus. If you find having a little boy's entire family killed, himself enslaved, and his dealing with his grief by hating all people touching, that is. That's our little Aaron. His only friends are a sheep, a donkey and a camel. When the camel is sold to a trio of astrologers, Aaron uses the star they're following as his guide in order to get his friend back. Along the way, the sheep gets RUN OVER BY A ROMAN CHARIOT, and Aaron continues to follow the star in hopes that the newborn king underneath it can help his friend. But what sort of gift can he give in exchange? Oh. Right. Drum solo.

Memorable moment: Aaron doesn't hold back for his drum solo for Jesus. He plays the crap out of his little snare, like he's the Keith Moon of the Nativity under the heavenly spotlight of David.

#69
A Very Merry Cricket (1973)
Available on: VHS

Harry the Cat and Tucker the Mouse are bummed out about the fact that Christmas in New York has become too commercialized, and long to bring back the holiday spirit. So they go searching of their old friend Chester, the famed musical Cricket in Times Square. Chester is found hanging out in Connecticut, and the journey back home in time for Christmas Eve is an adventure in itself. By the time they get back to the city, they discover that the power is out, and everybody's scrambling to get home. Traffic gets backed up, and everybody's screaming at each other. That's when Chester arrives back in Times Square and plays a haunting rendition of "Silent Night."

Memorable moment: Naturally, the "Silent Night" scene is the show stopper. When Chester starts playing, traffic stops dead, and everybody shuts up. It's a powerful scene, and ranks among animator Chuck Jones's best.

#68
Olive, The Other Reindeer (1999)
Available on: DVD | VHS

A production team including Matt Groening, Drew Barrymore and Michael Stipe helped turn this hilarious recent special into an instant holiday favorite. Olive (Barrymore) is a daydreaming dog, whose pet flea, Fido, is hard of hearing. So when he mishears a radio interview with Santa, in which he says that Blitzen has broken his leg, and it'll take the help of ALL OF THE OTHER REINDEER to get Christmas off the ground ... well, you can guess what he thought he heard. So, with the help of a hustling mobster penguin named Martini (Joe Pantoliano), Olive is convinced that she must travel to the North Pole and save Christmas, all the while avoiding a bitter postman (Dan Castellaneta), whose busy holiday schedule has finally gotten to him. Along the way, Olive meets other characters with names that sound like misheard song lyrics, such as Round John Virgin and Richard Stands.

Memorable moment: Near the beginning, Olive helps an animal family find a Christmas tree. A normal sized tree proves to be much too big, so Olive returns with a tree-shaped air freshener. Also, the handling of Rudolph is classic...

Olive: "Where's Rudolph?"
Reindeer: "There's no Rudolph! He's just an urban legend."

#67
Bing Crosby's 42nd Annual Christmas Special (1977)
Available on: DVD | VHS

Bing's final holiday special aired two months after his death, and as a result, is the most memorable. The highlight is a now legendary duet with David Bowie, in which they sing a medley of "Peace On Earth" and "Little Drummer Boy." Bing didn't know who the relatively new David Bowie was at the time, but his kids convinced him that he'd make a great addition to the show.

Memorable moment: Before they start singing, the two have a humorous dialogue. The best part is when they start talking about music.

Bowie: "Do you ... do you like modern music?"
Crosby: "Oh, I think it's marvelous! Some of it's really fine ... but tell me, have you ever listened to any of the older fellows?"
Bowie: "Oh yeah, sure. I like ... John Lennon, and the other one with ... Harry Nilsson."
Crosby: "Mmm ... you go back that far, eh?"
Bowie: "Yeah, I'm not as young as I look."

Now you know why he didn't care when Avril Lavigne screwed up his name.

#66
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
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Most people my age are just young enough to have missed this one, but I happene to have older relatives who had this on tape, and let me tell you ... everything you've heard is true. It's near unwatchable. George Lucas, himself, has stated that he'd destroy every copy if he had enough time and a hammer. But thanks to the power of the Internet, it's earned a sort of legendary status.

The story centers around a certain galaxy far, far away's answer to a holiday celebrating peace, called Life Day. Chewbacca returns to his home planet to be with his family, & helps them all prepare for the festivities. The special follows each character through their own preparations. Chewie's son watches a cartoon about Boba Fett, who made his first appearance in this special, as it was prior to the Empire Strikes Back. We even see his father watch a veritable go-go dancer in the form of Diahan Carroll in a sparkly wig. We even get to check out what the Imperial Troops about to invade Chewie's planet are up to on their way. One is watching a hologram of Jefferson Starship; another is watching a documentary on Tatooine, by Cantina owner Bea Arthur. Oh yeah, by the way, Darth Vader is invading Chewie's planet. Luckily, Han, Luke & the rest arrive for the Life Day festivities just in time to save the day... or at least Chewie's household. I don't know what happened to the rest of the wookiees, because our heroes rushed off to go to Life Day World or wherever.

Memorable moment: During the Ceremony of Life, Princess Leia sings an absolutely horrible rendition of the main Star Wars theme, recounting the story of the first movie. Which is now the fourth movie. Also, Mark Hamill is wearing a ridiculous amount of make-up to hide his injured face. He had just gotten in a car wreck when they filmed the Holiday Special, and he looks he's been getting fashion pointers from that fat chick Drew Carey worked with.

Part 1 (100-66) | Part 2 (65-31) | Part 3 (30-1)